becoming queer
april 26, 2023
this is found poetry taken from a decade of my actual diaries. when i started this project, i was hoping to find things that i had written about gender. but what i found was that i've been writing about the platonic/romantic binary for a long time.
there's a theme here about not being able to fit into labels because the labels don't make sense because they're all founded on concepts that don't make sense to me. you can also see the labels i use changing throughout the piece. (currently, i don't like using labels at all)
there's another theme about letting go of internalized homophobia to accept nonnormative relationships into my life without worrying (or, while trying not to worry) about how they look to the outside world
and finally, there is a little bit of gender. i originally had this site divided between "arospec" writing and "gender" writing, but this project showed me that it's actually all connected and it won't work to separate them out like that.
i also want to keep this around as a reminder to myself that even though it feels like it happened in another lifetime, i did go through this anxiously-questioning-everything lgbtq+ experience. i did go from "maybe i'm asexual" [obviously misunderstanding what "asexual" meant] to "ok i'm actually gay" to "or am i arospec" to "i hate labels actually." and i was thinking about being quoiromantic years before i realized i might be arospec. anyway i hope that some of this resonates with other readers <3
text:
Monday, March 29, 2010So yesterday I found out what "lesbian" means
I don't understand how girls think guys are "hot".
I don't think girls are "hot" either.
5/10/11
part of me has already accepted the idea that I don't like boys
and I kinda like girls
part of me insists I'm not attracted to either
but I don't think that part is right
I might be asexual though
September 2011
"it's fine if you're asexual I'm just against lesbians but
I'd still be your friend if you were one"
11/17/2013 3:08 PM
what qualifies love from love if gender is out of the question?
[separate, undated entry]
And then suddenly
I started liking this other girl
and now I like the two of them equally
one is like anti-gay
have no interest in ever having a boyfriend.....
I don't think I get crushes on either boys or girls
(if someone would define "crush" for me
that might be helpful.)
Fears
11/16/13
why do I have to fit under a label
what if it's wrong?
what if this is all in my head and I
really am straight
and I just haven't found "the right
one" yet?
2/16/14
there is no coming out for me
me without my definitive label
3/24/2014 2:04 PM
It's hard for me to
Find an identity
When I don't quite fall
Into your straightened categories
We all know I am not male,
But I am not a "woman"
I am just I
The artist, architect of words
7/7/2014 2:07 PM
just because you know
my secret on a legal document
does not give you the right
to change my identity
7 May 2014
Without the gender binary, or the belief that there are only two genders, gender becomes a very abstract concept and is difficult to define.
8 December 2014
I have been completely fascinated with gender
socially constructed
March 17th, 2015
what is romantic love?
do I love this person romantically or platonically?
maybe I was just too
scared to be a lesbian,
Now I'm like, I'm asexual but
I just do not know what romantic love is
and that is why I think I might be
quoiromantic.
What is in between?
i don't know what my
romantic orientation is because
i am not
romantically or platonically attracted
to people but
somewhere in the middle
for a lot of people
and what do i do
15 December, 2016
And if gender is permanent, how do we explain
people whose gender changes throughout life?
September 10th, 2016
you once said that you didn't think anyone would ever love you
and i almost said that i already did
September 12th, 2016
why can't everyone just be polyamorous?
October 18th, 2016 11:11pm
# internalized homophobia
being Out. i'm not out.
i love girls, okay?
being misgendered constantly.
it's so exhausting.
i don't have the energy
to have the gender 101 talk
every. single. time.
no one fucking cares
about my special snowflake gender
i think some people think
i do it intentionally to
make my life harder.
i just want to be myself
and i have so much dysphoria
December 4th, 2016
i think i could be polyamorous
March 4th, 2017
and i stopped saying 'no romo' because
i still have so much internalized homophobia
April 22nd, 2018
it's not just a
level of how much I love someone
but also how emotionally connected to
them I feel, and how much
I want to spend time with them..
and how much I trust them
I don't know if I can categorize this as romance
but I definitely want it to be equivalent in
importance to a romantic relationship,
and I just feel like too many people
think my experience isn't real
June 13th, 2019
I feel like I'm starting to understand
a reality where I don't need to assign
everyone into two categories
because they are just
social constructs
I feel romantic toward my friends
because I love them,
but that doesn't mean that
we're going to be Married and Monogamous
I don't know if I am also polyamorous
or if I only think I'm polyamorous because I
feel so disconnected, experiencing the world this way,
but I think it opens a door to a
whole new world
to allow myself
to fully love my friends